Dear Friends,

Have you ever used the word burnout? Recently, my mother has been warning me about getting "burnt out" and so I looked it up in the dictionary. Burnout is a psychological term for the experience of long-term exhaustions. Eventually, a burnout can result in a mental or physical breakdown. 

In lieu of that, I have been examining myself.

As a fleshly, emotional person, a sinner,  I have burnt-out in so many ways just in these few months of summer, becoming physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. 

I have been through things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies, things that I only hope to forget. 

In the short months of summer that are now behind us, I have, sometimes foolishly, in my own power, struggled to survive. I tried to cram everything I wanted to do into the few hours I had off work, yet still asked for more hours. Finally, after a month of being at the pool 12 hours a day almost every day, and not being home during the weekends, I started to lose hope.

I felt like a failure. Here I am 18 years old, I can't drive, I  have no social life, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, I'm never home, I've made so many stupid decisions, I have treated the Lord like trash, I have a knee injury and can't swim without pain, I'm not an asset to my team, I'm alone and I'm failing...

 For awhile, my quiet times dwindled, i withdrew into myself, slept through one of my swim practices and cried myself to sleep every night. One morning at swim practice, during a particularly hard workout, I stumbled out of the pool and "lost" my breakfast in the bathroom. My coach just told me to keep swimming and said I would feel better. For a few desperate seconds as I struggled to get across the pool after way too many laps of butterfly, I wondered what it would feel like to hold my breath and black out in the water. For a couple blissful moments, there would be no pain, no no worry, no hurt, no responsibilities, but in doing so, I would be toying with death. To be honest, I would never seriously consider doing something like that hold life as something incredibly precious, but it saddened me that such a dreadful thought would come to my head, that I would dwell on it.

Not much time has passed since then. I am not getting any more rest that I was then, I'm still just as much a failure in the world's eyes, and I am still struggling to accept those things I cannot change, but inside, I have changed. The Lord has shown me that "burnout" is an attitude, a result of how I view the world.

Listen, O daughter, give attention and incline your ear: Forget your people and your father's house;
Then the King will desire your beauty. Because He is your Lord, bow down to Him. The daughter of Tyre will come with a gift; The rich among the people will seek your favor. The King's daughter is all glorious within; If I don't draw near to the Lord, the burnout will never end. I made my choice. Are you running towards burnout? What are you going do about it? With love, Marilla