I found this when looking through old documents, and I have no idea where I got it, but it made me smile :D
It is written by Francis Shaeffer's daughter...
How To Be Your Own Selfish Pig; A Morning Routine
By
Susan Schaeffer Macaulay
1. Get up early enough to spend several hours on your personal appearance. Each of your visible items of clothing should display a designer label.
2. Use whatever cover-up is necessary to make your complexion look perfect. If possible, spread skin with latex paint, since it usually comes with a one-coat-covers anything guarantee, and also peels off easily at night.
3. While applying cover-up, look in the mirror and practice several key lines: “I gotta be me.” “This doesn’t meet my needs right now.” “Hey give me a little space!” and “I can’t help it; that’s just the way I am.”
4. Eat breakfast. Include one-half cup of mouthwash as dessert.
5. Grab your books and rush out the door. As you walk to school or the bus stop, map out the kind of day you’ll enjoy, and avoid whoever or whatever would spoil it. Make a mental list of whom to say hello to and whom to ignore. Don’t think about other people’s needs and feelings – that causes wrinkles in the forehead.
6. If you’re ever at a loss for words to express your superiority over other human beings, simply apply the tip of your index finger to the tip of your nose and push upward gently.
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